I’m now in the final hurdle of my pregnancy and in all honesty, I’ve struggled with this journey more than I care to admit. It’s hard to want something so bad whilst hating the process. It’s difficult knowing the value of what you carry yet still wanting it over with. And having lost two children before, my heart wants this little bear more than anything, I just don’t want to do the growing anymore.
First time round I can say my pregnancy was textbook. Everything went as supposed to, no extra trips to the hospital, no concerns. We did all the typical baby things of pram shopping and clothes shopping. We had discussions of what she would be like, hand wrote her name possibilities to see how they fit and designed her room. Her growth fuelled my recovery and was my driving force to look after myself a little better. I connected with her, I accepted the changes as being what she needed and although I had bad days and low moments, I got through it knowing at the end, no matter what I would be gifted with a happy and healthy little girl who would make all the discomfort and growing worthwhile. And I was right, although she was almost 2 weeks early, she came along without complication and we were tucked up in bed less than 14 hours after she arrived.
Fast forward 3.5 years and I know life isn’t so straight forward.
After our losses, although early stage (before 12 weeks) I have become aware of the possibility of losing what we so desperately want. I know the loss statistics from early stage loss right through to Infancy loss and my brain won’t forget them. See I had to research when I miscarried, I had to see it wasn’t just me, that I hadn’t done something wrong. I needed answers and facts to help me process the grief. I am a person who finds control and comfort in numbers so that’s what I looked for. I found them and now I’ve struggled to bond with the little I’m currently growing because all I can think of is the pain I would face if anything happened. I’m so painfully aware of the possibilities I’m now unable to enjoy this last stage or at all any of it. The steps I’ve taken to do “baby” things have been taken for others. My first shopping trip was to please my psychologist, my second to help Scott feel better because my discomfort has caused him to struggle. I kind of banned baby talk and things without realising and this has caused him to feel concerned both for me and the lack of preparation or excitement.
Its not a bad thing though to feel this way. Heck its even normal for many of us. Our bodies are doing crazy things. Our anatomy is moving about to house a baby, we are exhausted from lack of sleep – no matter how good your pregnancy is that stage eventually catches up with you – from the changes our bodies are going through, the extra weight we are carrying the extra energy we are using and all whilst continuing with regular day to day life. I’m working, raising a toddler, running a house and fighting my mental health. I’m not coping with not being able to do as much, I’m working through trauma, trying to keep my eating disorder tendency at bay and fighting a girl who is as sassy as I am, every day just now over leaving the house. It’s no bloody wonder I don’t have the energy to put into baby prep.
So here I am not far from baby’s arrival with little to welcome him, a hatred for my expanding frame and a whole lot of pain both physically and mentally. A million miles away form the first pregnancy, reminding the world that its okay not to love this experience. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, it doesn’t mean you wont love you little one and it doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you a going through some stuff and that this stage doesn’t agree with you, and that’s okay.
Take care of you,
Love and hugs,