This post comes with a trigger warning. Please only read ahead if you are in a good place and talk of self harm and suicide will not cause you any further pain.
This past week has been an exciting fun and cake filled week. We started by celebrating myself being three years self harm and suicide attempt free. Partied For four days for my little monkey turning two and paid homage to the fact Scott and I have been a “we” for three years.
Three years ago I was in a dark place. A beloved family member had died. My previous relationship had broken down badly. I was forced to leave my home and it’s contents including many of my personal items. I moved back with my mum. Although I love her dearly, we do not have the ability to live harmoniously under the same roof. I hated my job. My mental health was out of control. My eating disorder ran the show. And I’d taken to drinking the feelings away.
Self harm had become a daily activity. A tragic coping strategy that caused more pain , though at the time it was what got me through. I hated it, but was unable to see past It.
The last time I tried to take my life, I remember waking up laying in my own sick and knowing this was not the life I was made to live. My body clearly wanted to survive. Why else would it have survived every trauma it had faced up until and including this very moment? Why else would it keep fighting?
I called my best friend. Apologised for being uncontactable and vowed to make the most of this life I had been given.
It’s so very important to surround yourself with positive people who have your best interest at heart. People who support and love you. It is important to take all the steps you can to create the life you deserve. Contact your GP, harass them with weekly phonecalls if you need to in order to get the treatment or help you need. It’s a bumpy road and it’s not always easy but you deserve happiness and and a better quality of life than those dark places.
I took the bull by the horns demanded that help and after some shakes, some falls and challenges, including a very hard five months this year I’ve made it to three years fierce and I couldn’t be more proud!
My second cause for celebration was receiving an appointment for the eating disorder team. It’s taken awhile for it to come through and it’s had me extremely anxious as things have become harder to handle during that wait, but in a little over a week I attended my first appointment and I’m so bloody excited.
Please can we take a second to appreciate the beautiful Wild and Heart Kitchen raw vegan cheesecake of dreams!
Next up was the preparation and planning of the most important day of the year as far as I’m concerned. My little girls birthday (also the anniversary of Scott and I) it’s a day I like to go all out, a day I go way over the top and one we make all about her. It is after all, her special day.
We take the day slow, enjoy each others company and go for brunch, because nothing says happy birthday like pancakes as big as your face.
We do the things she loves most, which as she gets bigger becomes easier. Duck watching and a ride on the bus was the perfect entertainment as far as she was concerned.
We decided not to bother with a party this year. Firstly I’m exhausted and didn’t have enough time to plan anything, secondly parties require a lot more stress than I have the ability to deal with. At two there isn’t much point in my opinion, and friends with older kids advised against it for sanity’s sake so I’m happy to put parties on the back burner untill she asks for one.
We had family pop round for a tea party and birthday cake because what is a birthday without cake? I of course went crazy with the cake. I baked all the sponge I could fit in the oven and piled on all her favourite things. Bees, flowers and strawberries and her reaction was priceless.
Scott and I have now officially been together for three years. It’s not something everyone celebrates, but considering it almost never happened and took us five years to get there in the first place, we like to give it a little heads up usually with a card (which I totally forgot about this year) and with a belated night out or lunch somewhere. And and all ideas are welcome!
It’s been nice to have a week with lots to be grateful for. The last few weeks have been tough and if I’m honest I’ve not been a very nice person to know. Poor Scott has dealt with more than his fair share of grief from me and I’ve had very little ability to think rationally with the transition of medications, my restrictions being uncontrollable and my energy levels being in the dirt.
Here’s a little reminder that some days you’ll feel like there’s nothing good around you, but if you just ride it out and do your best, those little reminders will sneak up on you when you need it most. So celebrate every tiny victory, even if that is that you got out of bed today.
You are amazing. You are needed. You are loved. Don’t ever forget that!
Love and hugs,