I’ve been a bit distant from blogging lately as I’ve not really been in the mindset to write. I’ve been working through all the issues I’m faced with, trying to find answers for actions of others, trying to remember how to function and trying to fit back into this thing called life after taking some time away from it all.
In this time I received six weeks of therapy from retail trust. It’s not all been plain awful but equally I didn’t have a moment of clarity where the world suddenly all made sense again. The reality is that this stuff takes time so things will take a little longer than six weeks to heal. However it wasn’t a waste of time. It gave me a focus, allowed me to look at some of the short term issues and has helped me remember a few important things I forgot.
You are not responsible for other people’s actions.
It turns out only they know why they do things. I’ll never understand someone else’s thought process in the same way I often do my own. Some people do things because they can, because it’s right, because they want to or because they receive a personal gain somewhere. There’s not really anything I can do about that. I don’t have to agree or like how that person has presented themselves but I also don’t have to let it affect me. If a person has wronged you, all you can do is process your feelings and concentrate on healing past their actions.
It’s okay to be angry.
In fact it’s okay to have any feeling. It’s the way you handle it that’s the issue. It’s okay to have that anger and to work through it in a healthy way. It’s not okay to punch a unsuspecting passerby or to turn that anger on yourself. It’s okay to cry and scream and have a moment of frustration or upset, it’s not okay to hurt yourself or others because of those feelings. It’s completely normal to have feelings in reaction to things. And your reaction and feelings are not irrational. They are your way of dealing with the thing you have been faced with, rather than tell yourself it’s wrong to feel that way, embrace it and work through it. Your body reacts in a way it sees fit to things, sometimes that means crying because the bus driver was rude (this was me last Monday) sometimes it means throwing a cup across the room because you are just so frustrated. (Also me on occasion) just ensure you find an outlet and that your feelings don’t cause you to hurt yourself or others.
Not everything is my responsibility.
So okay I am responsible for myself, my actions and how I present myself. I’m responsible for my child and her wellbeing. However I’m not expected to be responsible for friends, strangers or colleagues. If people wrong us it’s not just our responsibility to handle the situation. Depending on what’s going on depends on where the duty of care lies. Other people are just as responsible for their actions as I am mine. If your actions will hurt or affect another person then you should not follow them through. If you knowing allow someone to affect another via their actions you are also accountable. I cannot fix, stop or prevent everything and I am not expected to, neither are you.
You cannot brush everything under the carpet.
There’s alot of trouble I’ve been carrying that I thought I’d let go of. A lot of things that have been unearthed since a recent earthquake in my life, I thought I’d buried. I’m facing challenges I otherwise thought were behind me. I never really delt with it though. I’m very much a shrug it off and move on kind of person. I close it behind a door and move on. Eventually though that doors going to give. And I did. What an almighty mess that’s fallen out. All this stuff I tried to ignore came back to bite me and I’m now facing things I thought were years behind me.
It takes time.
I’m terrible for expecting instant results. If I sit a test I want to know if I passed now. I hate waiting on the microwave, I don’t like waiting on busses and I detest waiting for my life to make sense again. I want to be back to me now. I’ve had such little patience with this journey and learning to take it slow has been tough. I just want to be back to the person I was six months ago. But recovery from anything takes time. Time that will allow your mind and body to adjust. Time that will allow you to heal. Time that will show you just how resilient you are. It might take longer than you like, but each small step measures up and before you know it, you’ll be miles ahead of where you were.
I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.
Truth stands that I’ve gone through some pretty crappy things in my life. I’ve battled and won each fight so far though, so what makes this one any different? I’ve made it through every awful day, every bad relationship, every moment I thought I never could. I’m here, maybe a little battered but standing none the less. No one judge’s an antique for having a few scrapes and dents. They call it interesting and valuable. And that’s what your story makes you.
I know I have a hell of a fight ahead of me. Its going to take time to get on top of everything again and it’ll take awhile until I feel more ‘me’ but life is a journey, no one said it would be a breeze.
Love and hugs,
If you or anyone you know is suffering with mental health and needs to talk to anyone contact your local doctors surgery or talk to Samaritans – open to all 24/7.