The only way to describe my life just now is like those big snowglobe things you get in the street at Christmas. You know, the inflatable ones that you climb inside and get a cheesy picture inside of. Except it’s not funny, it’s not cute and try as might, I can’t get out. And every time I think the snow has settled and I can just get on living my life in this inflatable bubble im stuck in, someone turns the damn thing on again!
Its been a crazy few weeks. I’m “making progress” but feeling none of it. I’m increasingly impatient, uncharacteristically angry and perpetually exhausted. I’ve had enough if I’m honest and I just want to get back to where I was before it all hit the fan. However I’m under no illusions that’s going to take time. That kinda what’s bugging me though.
Ive been back at work for three weeks and instead of getting easier I feel like I’m back at my first day … Worse in fact. If I’m perfectly honest I went back to work before I was ready. I didn’t have much of an option, finances made the decision for me. So here I am shuffling around feeling like I’m moving in tar and getting nowhere fast.
I start my first counciling session this week and although I’m excited to be taking steps in the right direction, I’m petrified. What if we don’t connect? What if I just don’t take to her? It’s only six weeks, will I be okay enough at the end to revisit the things I discuss with her? I know I’m waiting to see someone else, will she just pass me off till then? She’s moving office mid way through, what if doesn’t work for me? What if im too honest and she thinks I’m a concern? What if I don’t feel like I can open up enough? What if I don’t have enough time?
I always knew this block of sessions would likely be a stop gap to help me through the six months waiting list I’ve been put on. But I think the reality of know this is it starting, and in six sessions it will be over is a bit daunting. What if I face tougher days after those six sessions?
The one thing I’ll continue to remind myself is that recovery from anything, physical or mental will always be a journey. One that has loops and backtracking. Good days and bad. Recovery is not linear, but in time things will change. Just have patience until they do.
Love and hugs,