Lately I’ve been all confused about what I want to do when I grow up where I’m going and what I want. I don’t know what it is I’m doing most of the time or where exactly it is I’m heading. I’ve told myself I want things I don’t just because it’ll suit/ do for now. I’ve told myself I’m happy with things I’m not. I’ve pretended to be okay when I’m far from it and I’ve created a bubble that lets me believe my world is okay when really there’s some readjustments to be done.
So I’ve decided it’s time I get a grip and admit what’s making me unhappy, what I hope to change and what I want from life. Most of all I’ve decided it’s okay to take as much time as I need to get there. Just now I have to work out what it is I want.
I know above anything else I want happiness. I don’t care for what the world holds for me unless it’s laced with happiness. I want as much time as I can with my girl. She won’t want to spend as much time with me one day, so untill then I want to enjoy each moment I can with her. I want to find home. Over time we’ve turned our flat into a lovely little house we’re comfortable in. It’s not grand nor is it particularly elegant, but it’s our family pad and we like what we’ve managed to achieve. However I long for ‘home’ that place we move into and never leave, the place we can settle and do as we wish with. Home, the place we buy a dog, rescue some chickens and argue over who’s turn it is to clean them out.
I want to be comfortable in my own body, my own skin and my own mind. I want to be able to truthfully say I’m in recovery and working at it everyday. I want a job that suits my family, pays comfortably and doesn’t leave me pulling my hair out. I want to create opportunities for myself I never thought I could achieve. I want to lose the anxiety that creeps in and feel free to make friends, to be open with those I have and to stop feeling intimidated by people who have no effect on my life.
I want to be comfortable, content and happy, to be with my family in a place we can call our own.
Its time we all look at ourselves and ask how honest we are being. Don’t blindly lead yourself down a path you’ve let yourself believe you want when in reality it’s far from the truth. Take each opportunity to do what makes you happy and to live your life to its fullest. And take as much damn time as you need! You deserve everything your heart desires!
Love and hugs,