You get to a point in life where you feel like you are drowning. Like the world is ontop of you. A weight on you shoulders. Like you just can’t breathe. we all have days like this. We all push through. Survive the crap and move on. We then get to laugh at ourselves for being so rediculous, or praise ourselves for being so bloody strong. Life has moments like this. My life has moments like this. And I bet you’ve had them too.
Just now though I feel shit.
I started back at work part time. An agreement was made I’d work between 15-20 per week. I went back earlier than planned. Did ‘trial shifts’ kit days and even some phasing back. The whole time the same promise was made. You are guaranteed hours and you can work flexible shifts that work for your family. Problems arose as they do in but I shook it off and got over it. I ignored the intrusive questioning on ‘when I’ll stop nursing’. The continual change if mind about what days suited. I even ignored a camera being put into the only place I could express milk privately. (Needless to say I stopped expressing at work) and I brushed off the constant lack of care. Untill this week.
Now there’s only so much organised chaos a person can take. You can only be treated as expendable and replaceable for so long. You can only have the piss taken so many times. And this was it. Rota uploaded: w/c 18th June, 6 hours. Reason? “You cost too much to give more hours to, we are giving them to those on school holidays to save money” (quote). I had no option but to quit this job. At some point enough becomes enough.
Now sadly, with research I’ve come to understand that working mothers are too often faced with this reality. We are punished for rasing a family. For wanting to both have a baby and work. I mean am I not punishing myself enough other the constant guilt?
It’s a constant cycle of pressure. You pressure yourself to do your best and then some. To be the perfect mother. Perfect partner. To have a clean and tidy house. To prepare homecooked meals. To go out. To do things. To go back to work. To be a role model. A GREAT role model. To ensure baby is happy, healthy, developing correctly, reaching milestones, socialising, seeing family. You then try to ensure your partner is doing the same things. Then there’s supposed to be some way of you being all of the above.
It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s completely brought on by myself.
So understandably I feel crap just now. My mood has plumited and it is terrifying. I fought off depression for years. I’ve made great progress. I even managed to come off and stay off of medication. I’ve been in recovery for depression and anorexia for 18 months. Everyday means work. And just now is ALOT more work than I’m ready for.
I’m finding old patterns creeping in. I’m unable to shake this somber feeling. And I’m so infuriated at myself for letting myself put so much pressure on everything. I’ve been trying to reach this goal of perfection that doesn’t exist and I’m tarnishing the greatness I have by doing so.
We need to stop doing this to ourselves.
The boat stops here. It’s time to create our own perfection. To allow our happiness to grow. To find positivity in everything even the moments of misfortune. Give yourself a break. Stop being so bloody hard on yourself.
Go find the good of today. Be it that you won a competition, found a tenner in your jeans or simply managed to get a warm cup of tea.
You are doing great, even when you feel you’re not doing enough. Even when things don’t go to plan. You are amazing. Its only this tough at times because you care so much.
Keep up the good work !
Love and hugs,